I am 1 in 4
A bit more than one month ago, on Tuesday 3 September 2019, I decided to get a pregnancy test from the chemist during my lunch break and went to the mall’s toilet to do it. I had been waiting for my period to arrive for the past few days and had a funny feeling on my long run, very similar to how I felt on the last long run I did before I learned I was pregnant with Sienna. When the + sign appeared very clearly, I cried. But it was not tears of joy.
I want a second child, but now just was not the right moment. I was in the best shape of my life, I was about to participate to an amazing trail race in Borneo (The Most Beautiful Thing 50km), I had a fun three weeks holiday in North America planned and I was also looking forward to start training hard to run my fastest Singapore Marathon. I was also planning to register for the 2020 Boston Marathon and CCC (100km trail race part of the UTMB weekend). To add to the bad timing, I took a maternity insurance in January 2019, but the cool off period being 365 days, this pregnancy would not be covered. For those who don’t know, Singapore does not have a public system like Australia, UK or Canada… and I am not even a permanent resident yet. When I told Luke the news, he was far from thrilled.
But, after the shock dissipated, we both came to the conclusion that this little one really wanted to join our lives and that the timing wasn’t so bad. Our kids would have a 3 year age gap which is great and I would also have 4 years left to my thirties to smash some of my speedier running goals (though I know you can still run a fast marathon over 40!). We were obviously a bit concerned with money: the whole pregnancy not being insured and Singapore being so expensive overall… But we decided to trust that all would be well.
I took an appointment with my OB for the day after we would be back from our holiday, Friday 4 October, I would be 9 weeks. After much debating, researching and talking to a few people I trust, I decided to not participate to the 50km race in Borneo. Borneo being hot and humid, the risk of overheating was quite high, and it can cause birth defect, especially in the first few weeks of gestation. I was quite disappointed but was in peace with my decision. I also passed on registering for the Boston Marathon.
I started to have symptoms pretty much right away. I felt more nauseous than with Sienna and I was quite tired. My breasts however were not as sensitive. At the 6 weeks mark of my pregnancy I started spotting a little bit of brownish/pinkinsh discharge. It made me anxious, but as I had the same issue with Sienna, I decided to just wait and see. It eventually stopped for good at 8 weeks exactly.
We had a fun 3 weeks holiday in North America despite me being quite tired and not being allowed to drink alcohol. I ran almost daily and kept it easy and fun. In Montreal, I enjoyed Mont Royal as much as I could and in New York, I did a few laps of Central Park, which I absolutely love. I pushed myself a little bit more for a fun 5km run which was part of the activities around the wedding we attended in New York, but nothing out of control.
On Friday 4 October, Luke and I made our way to the clinic to see my OB, Dr WK Tan. She not only delivered Sienna but also my husband Luke, 40 years ago! She is very experienced and I trust her very much. I was really nervous, but nothing out of the ordinary I think. I remember being nervous before every scans with Sienna, especially in the first 20 weeks, before I could feel her move.
After a few questions Dr Tan put the wand on my stomach to start the scan. We could clearly see a yolk and the baby. Dr Tan said that she would use the intra vaginal scan to do the measurements. She proceeded and then the image was on again, clearer. I could see her face and it was not good. Then she said the words I would not even wish my worst enemy to hear: “There is not heartbeat”. Just writing this gives me goosebumps. She then said that the baby however measured perfectly for 9 weeks, meaning that it must have passed only just recently. I was in shock and suddenly felt so sick. What I feared most had become reality. I asked if the long flight we took (18 hours) was the reason for this loss. She said no, it’s most likely chromosomal, meaning that our little one probably had an anomaly that was not compatible with like Trisomy 16 and my body identified it and got rid of the pregnancy, which is a good thing in a way.
More here on chromosome abnormalities
But I still could not shake the feeling that it could be my fault.
She then explained that I had the choice between waiting for my body to expel the tissues and embryo or get a D&C (dilation and curettage) which is a day surgery under GA. As I am pretty crunchy my first instinct was to wait for nature to run its course… but Dr Tan said it could take up to 4 weeks, especially this “late” in the pregnancy. After reflecting for a minute, I realised that I was scheduled to travel to Bangkok for work in the coming week and that all I wanted was to move on with my life quickly. I also could not fathom to still experience strong pregnancy symptoms and carry a dead baby for so long. We quickly agreed on scheduling the procedure for early morning on Sunday 6 October.
Leaving Dr Tan’s office was not the best. I felt really queasy and I had to walk through a sea of pregnant women and crying babies. We sat to make payment and schedule the surgery and then walked over to the hospital’s reception to complete registration (Dr Tan’s clinic is located within Thomson Medical Centre). Again, this was quite jarring as well as it reminded me Sienna’s birth which was such a happy memory, now darkened by this new situation.
I spent the rest of the day numb on my sofa, still shocked. I texted a few friends who already knew about my surprise pregnancy and the support they have been giving me since has made such a difference. Still super jet lagged, I napped most of the afternoon and then still slept most of the night. I then decided to go for a 90 min run at 4am. I still felt pregnant and it was heartbreaking. This is when I realised that I had made the right decision and though I was nervous, I could not wait for Sunday.
I went to work on Saturday to catch up on my emails since I was away from work for 3 weeks. I confided in one of my wonderful colleague as I knew him and his wife had been through the same situation a couple of years back (they since had a pair of twins as rainbow babies!). He is one of the most empathetic, humble and sweet person I know. He right away accepted to cover my work on Sunday and Monday and forced me to stay home on Monday as he knew I would be mentally fragile. My other colleague who was aware of the situation already passed by the office on her day off to chat about the last three weeks but also to offer me a big hug and most importantly listen to my rambling.
On Sunday morning, I woke up already hungry but could not eat in preparation for the surgery. We made our way to Thomson Medical and I got admitted quickly. They took us to a room where I changed to a hospital gown and laid on the bed. They first inserted a tablet in my vagina which would soften my cervix. Luke and I watched Netflix on his phone while waiting for the nurse to come and pick me up. Around 8:45, they wheeled me to the floor where the Operation Theatre was located. I first met with the anaesthetist who explained what the process would be and I then finally got wheeled into the OT. The anaesthetist then proceeded to inject my hand and Dr Tan appeared by my side. She asked if I was feeling sleepy and I said yes. They then put an oxygen mask on my face and this is all I remember. I then woke up and wondered when they would start the surgery. I closed my eyes again for a moment then opened to ask the nurse if we were done. She said yes. I was surprised how fine I felt. Dr Tan asked me if I was in pain I said no. They wheeled me back to the room and Luke was waiting for me. I then ate a sandwich and a hot drink and we just kept on watching Netflix. I was so relieved. I eventually went to the toilet to pass urine and was allowed to leave. Luke and I went for lunch and returned home. The rest of my day was fairly productive.
On Monday morning, I woke up feeling physically almost 100%: little bleeding, very little cramps , no more pregnancy symptoms (thank god) just a little head cold thanks to Sienna and an 18 hour flight.
But mentally, it hit me hard. I cried on and off most day, hit by the hormonal shift or something. I fixated on the fact that my “baby”s body had been thrown away with the rest of the biological waste, like it was just a piece of junk. Don’t get me wrong, I would not have wanted to see it, but for some reasons it was making me so sad and sorry.
I hate being pregnant and I know it was a bad timing and that Luke and I will try to get pregnant next year and it will be all so much better, but I am grieving looking forward to my 12 weeks scan, running races pregnant as I planned, looking forward to know the gender, preparing the nursery, preparing for birth with my doula... Yes miscarriages are common, 15-25%, but why wasn’t I the 75-85%? I was really hurting. Again, support from my friends who all checked on me was priceless.
I came back to work today (Tuesday) and have been feeling much, much better. I ran early morning and felt the best I have felt in quite a while. I just know that as much as this situation hurt and sucks, with perspective in a few years time I will know it is part of a greater plan.
What I am grateful for:
Support from my friends/amazing colleagues/family
My mum group who have been supporting me through varied ups and down that maternity and parenting has to offer
My husband who never left my side
My beautiful, healthy, amazing daughter who I love more than life itself
Chubbs, the best cat in the world who have been offering me the biggest cuddles
Modern medicine which allowed me to move on as soon as possible
My body for identifying the chromosomal anomaly quickly. A 2nd trimester miscarriage or worse, a still birth would have been so much more catastrophic though a miscarriage, no matter how early, is always a loss.
The fact that Luke and I can conceive very easily
Running
All the things I can do again because I am not pregnant anymore. Not watching my caffeine intake is on top of the list.
